Aw poor Yotan. His team forgot his birthday *gasp*, though I'm sure he's MORE than satisfied now *wink*. Heh can't wait to see how they get together the next time.
Trite, very trite....This theme of using Schu to get Aya and Yohji together is rather over used. Granted it's interesting when written right, but this one...I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be mean, but it was very rushed. The writing style was alright and it honestly could've been a lot better. Take time to draw things out, revel in sensations, thoughts and feelings. The pace of the story was so fast I sorta ended up rushing through it the first time I read it. The second time I took my time. Honestly, I would perhaps see if you could get another beta, one who can be brutally honest about shortcoming and really help you with the story. It's all right but it could use a re-write or two. Also, Aya is just very ooc to me...He just...talked to much and didn't seem very Aya. Then again, I am picky about how Aya is written...so that may just be me....
I like this story so far. Its a good decent read compared to some other fics that just jump right in and dont bother to explain anything. No Errors that I saw, and a good base for a story. I hope you decide to continue with this.
I love it. so, will this be a threesome. if it is you picked the perfect three characters. i say
they are by far the perfect threesome. i hope you do more. i'm dying to see what
'mr. ice in his veins' going to do to poor sweet yohji. (But considering he forgot the man's
birthday i think yohji had the right to screw whomever he wanted.) so i say, go yohji and do
him again
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